Jokes

One day a father from a rich family took his son on a trip to the country

with the firm purpose to show him how poor people can be. They spent a day

and night on the farm of a very poor family.

When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the

trip?"

"Very good Dad!"

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Yeah!" "And what

did you learn?" '

The son answered, "I saw that we have a dog at home, and they have four. We

have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden, they have a creek that

has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our

patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."

When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are!"

**Isn't it true that it all depends on the way you look at things? If you

have love, friends, family, health, good humor and a positive attitude

towards life -- you've got everything! You can't buy any of these things,

but still you can have all the material possessions you can imagine,

provisions for the future, etc.,but if you are poor of spirit, you have

nothing!

An English professor wrote the words,

"a woman without her man is nothing"

on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote:

"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote:

"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively

mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents

could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young

sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to

what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman

in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she

asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the

clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something

before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the

boys, but asked to

see them individually.

The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down

and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even

sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice

even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself

in the closet.

His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is

missing and they think we did it."

My Baby's Daddy

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless

Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this

was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather

died. About a month or so later, the father again overheard his

son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next

day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the

situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless

Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart

attack.

The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went

to work. He stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight,

he went home.

He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized.

"I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day." "You had a bad day?" his

wife yelled.

"The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the

mailman to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was

waiting for a special delivery.

Her reply: "I don't know what is going on!!! But my computer keeps telling

me I have mail".

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was

receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and

said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right," the boy

said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her

gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of

sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just

a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher

held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the

leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she

asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the

process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it

champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The

teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Three Wishes

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking

through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I

usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on

the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and

the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want

those two back in the office right after lunch."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the

checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is

suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his

cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or

a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will

surely die."

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work

in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a

good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with

household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,

have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked "So,

I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did the

tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says, ìNo Johnny, I will not.î

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your

pencil if you have no one to write to."

To Whom It May Concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult, in order to

accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old. The tax base is lower. I

want to be six again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to

eat.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with

rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money, because you can eat them.

I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve

waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.

I long for the days when life was simple. When all you knew were your

colors, the addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't

bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't

care.

I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym and field trips.

I want to be happy, because I don't know what should make me upset.

I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Sometime, while I was

maturing, I learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, prejudice,

starving and abused kids, lies, unhappy marriages, illness, pain and

mortality. I want to be six again.

I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever,

because I don't know the concept of death.

I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited

by the little things again. I want television to be something I watch

for fun, not something used for escape from the things I should be

doing.

I want to live knowing the little things that I find exciting will

always make me as happy as when I first learned them. I want to be six

again.

I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of

only the things that directly concerned me.

I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone

else.

I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet

and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking

for.

I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting

the grownups worry about time, the dentist and how to find the money to

fix the car.

I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up and what I'll be, who I'll

be and not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want

that time back.

I want to use it now as an escape, so that when my computer crashes, or

I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or a fight

with my spouse, or bittersweet memories of times gone by, or second

thoughts about so many things, I can travel back and build a snowman,

without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together

and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.

I want to be six again.

Author Unknown

A man arrives at the pearly gates, and St. Peter looks up his record

and says, "Well, you didn't do anything particularly good, but neither

did you do anything particularly bad. I'll tell you what--if you can

tell me of one really good deed you've done, I'll let you stay."

So the man says, "Well, once, I saw some bikers menacing a young woman.

I stopped my car. I took out my tire iron. I walked up to their

leader--a huge, hairy, ugly man, full of tattoos. He had a nose ring. I

ripped it right out of his nose, and I said, 'You leave this girl

alone, you hear?' I stared at all of them, and I said, 'Now get out of

here or you'll have to answer to me."

St. Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?" he asked the man.

"About two minutes ago

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of

copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that

the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They

ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found

small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000

years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Iranian scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found

absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Iranians 55,000 years

ago had cellular telephones.

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that

morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be

pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "good morning", let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well that's

wives for you, the children will remember. The children came into

breakfast and didn't say a word When I started to the office I was feeling

pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning

Boss,and Happy Birthday" I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. About then Janet knocked on my door and said,

"you know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,

let's go to lunch, just you and me" I said, "By George, that's the

greatest thing I've heard all day, lets go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out

into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed

lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a

beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office" "do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not" She said, "Lets go to my apartment"

After arriving at her place, we had another martini and smoked

acigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the

bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came

out...................................................... .............carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my

wife and children.

All singing Happy Birthday.

. . . and there on the couch I sat . . . . . with nothing on but my socks. .

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